That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
