Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I want is dick and wine.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
