Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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