I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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