Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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