So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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