May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
