I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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