I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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