you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
