so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
