News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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