I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
