The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
