He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
