Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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