We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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