somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
