Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
