if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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