11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
