I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
