if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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