How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
