When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
