So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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