make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
