U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
