Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
