My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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