Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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