I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
