I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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