It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
