I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
