My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
