I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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