Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
