Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
ugly people sure do ruin things
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
