He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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