like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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