i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
