I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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