Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
