i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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