My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
