She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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