his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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