but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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