my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
