Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
