I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
