i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize